She hit the ‘delete’ button. She
didn’t want to see his picture again.
‘Tch’. A long breath. ‘I can
never tell him that I love him’
Sigh. ‘He would never accept me’,
she whispered to herself as she tossed her mobile phone into her bag.
She had a hundred thoughts
running on her mind as she kissed Ash on his forehead and nose, and left for
work.
It has been 5 months since she
moved to Mumbai. As she walked across the slums, she heard someone whistle
followed by loud laughter of two men. She saw them staring at her bosom. She
was angry, yet chose not to react. Adjusting her saree, she continued walking
past them. This had become a routine now.
She crossed the lanes, when her
phone rang. She dug through her bag to find the ringing mobile phone. “Hello”,
she said.
“Mam, this is Veena,” said a
hoarse voice on the other end, “Would like to speak to you”.
This was her second
client that morning. As much as she loved her new counselling job, she preferred
the calls were only during her working hours, unless it was an emergency.
“Is it an
emergency? Can I call you back in about 15 minutes? Will that be fine, Veena?”,
she asked crossing the road. As she crossed the busy narrow road, she noticed a
tiny kitten stranded in the middle of the road. She didn’t wait for the
response from the other end, but disconnected the call and just ran across the
road, threw her hand up in the air to signal the speeding cab to stop and
picked up the kitten. Barely two weeks old, definitely shaken and trembling
from fear now, the white-ginger kitten couldn’t have looked more innocent, she
thought. She dropped the kitten near the bushes a little away from the road, where
she spotted the mamma-kitten, warning with her finger raised, ‘Be with mommy.
No crossing the road, meow’. She smiled as she walked back, watching the mother
kitten lick her little baby’s face.
She reached
her work desk in her small office premises and as she greeted her four colleagues,
she sat down to check her mobile for important messages and mails.
News update: Hit by Demonetisation, Delhi's
Transgenders Write to PMO for Help.
She clicked
the link open.
“Most of the transgender community in India
have been never a part of mainstream society. They earn a living by either
begging or dancing at weddings & birth ceremonies. The worse off take to
prostitution. But the recent move to scrap Rs 500 and 1000 notes has all of
them in dire straits”.
She scrolled
down further.
“Everyone thinks we can go to the bank and
solve our problems. But most of us do not have any savings. If we all earn Rs
4,000 one night, then we divide it among out guru, chelas and helpers while the
rest goes for make-up, clothes, and food. We hardly have anything at the
banks,” said Roshni, a 30-year-old transgender at a Laxmi Nagar shanty.
They complained of discrimination from the
common public at the long queues near ATMs and banks. “Firstly, many of us
don’t have bank acoounts because of the identity issue we face. Secondly, some
of us who managed to get an account were often pushed aside by men and women at
these lines. Centuries of prejudice cannot fade away so soon,” said Sakshi, a
transgender who stays at Laxmi Nagar during the day and spends her night at
Paharganj.
She hit ‘exit’
and dialled back to the client. “Veena?”, she asked, “I’m sorry I had to put
the phone down then..hmm..please tell me about yourself?”.
After a few
minutes of patient listening, she said, “I completely understand what you are
going through. The journey to self-acceptance is a long one. I understand you
have just recently had your sex-reassignment surgery. It might be difficult to
start afresh without the support from family or friends, or sometimes it might
just hurt when the society sees as you as an outcast and mocks at you. What you
need to accept is that the ‘normal’ lens is different for each of us. Aren’t we
all unique and different from each other? I have been there in your shoes and I
know how it feels. I have lived a confused teenage trying to discover myself. I
came out when I was 22 and fortunately by then I had completed my masters. I’m
sure I wouldn’t have had access to good education if I had come out earlier.
With the help of one of the support groups back in Tamilnadu, I was able to
accept myself. I had a successful surgery and could see myself transform the
way I always wanted me to be. The world is going to be unfair to us. From public
spaces to health services, education to employment, or even basic utilities
like accessing restrooms could be a struggle for us. But at this stage, you
should embrace yourself confidently and love the transformation you have had from
Veera to Veena. Finally you can be what you wanted to be when you were trapped
in a body you couldn’t identify yourself with. So, are you a part of any
support group there in Chennai?”
After a few ‘hmmm’
and ‘okay’, she said, “I understand. Ultimately, there is nothing to stop you
from who you dream to be. There are so many famous transgender professionals in
India, from lawyers to journalists, TV hosts and models, artists and authors,
bank professional, police officer, school principal, times are changing in
India. We have been included in the census, recognized as the third gender, we
have been promised to have toilets built for us, it might take a while, but
yes, the world isn’t that bad after all.”
A few ‘hmm-hmms’
and nods later, “Ha ha, yes, please assure them we are not sexual predators. I
know it could be hard, but the world needs education. A lot of people do not
know that ‘transsexual’ is independent of sexual orientation. Do you think everyone understands bigender,
pangender, genderfluid, agender, cross dressers? No, even we do not understand
them completely. So if people are against us, if they discriminate us, it could
be because they do not know about us or what we feel and they perceive we are
abnormal. Remember, there are so many good people out there. I am blessed to
work for an NGO that supports more like us, I have a great boss who has
provided me accommodation and my life is almost what everyone calls ‘normal’. I’m
sure you’ll catch up with the pace of life soon and love your life
unconditionally.”
The
conversation ended in a few more minutes. “Not at all. My pleasure, Veena. We
are always here for you. Just a call away. Good luck and take care.”
She checked
her messages. There was a message from one of her new clients, a 17-yr old.
“Mam, yesterday when Vanita and I were
walking to a local shop, Vanita got ruffled up by some young men. I screamed so
much for help, none came to our rescue. They started hurling abuses at us for
being sex workers. I shouted at them asking if it was really our mistake. It is
them who don’t let us study or employ us, nobody does anything to help us and
we have no choice. I’m feeling threatened in this area, we did report this to
our Guru. Can we call you?”
Sigh. “I hope
Vanita is doing okay. I’ll call you in sometime. Don’t worry”, she replied.
It wasn’t an
easy job talking to her clients all day, telling that they need to accept the
unfair world. How can she calm them down telling her it is okay to be cursed?
She spent the
afternoon writing down an article titled ‘My long battle ahead’ for a magazine.
She also jotted down some points for her advocacy research paper on Rights for
Transgender Communities.
She wrapped up
her work early and rushed home to find Ash waiting at the window, wagging his
tail and running around excitedly at the sight of his companion.
She opened the
door and hugged him tight, as Ash licked all over her face.
There is so
much love in this world, she thought J
